tv is going to suck this fall

We could just call it HasBeen, but this is wrong on so many levels.

A new reality project called ReMix (working title) from Stone & Co Ent and Edmonds Entertainment, brings together 8 known singers and/or musical groups whose careers may have taken a bit of a slide, and put them together for a competition/career makeover. In the vein of American Idol, the competitors will week by week whittled down to just one who will get their album produced by Edmonds Entertainment and hopefully a successful career comeback.

Let's get MC Hammer, Duran Duran, Michael Bolton, Debbie Gibson and Billy Ray Cyrus on board. We've got room for three more, who did I forget?

I'm still going to watch with the sound off.

In addition to Denise Richards, UPN's pilot project Wildlife has added Eric Balfour, Tamara Taylor and Omar Benson Miller to it's cast about twentysomething friends living in Hollywood's Silverlake area.

On second thought, maybe I just won't watch at all.

I'm confused. Is Philly sexier than NYC or Hollywood? Tell me again why this is a good idea.

ABC has added a few to its untitled ensemble comedy project. New cast members include Julie Bowen, Alan Tudyk and Michael Landes. The premise is a group of single thirtysomethings, all living in Philadelphia.

You know, I don't care if they have donkey shows in Philly, I hate the cast and won't be watching.

So let me get this straight - real estate in NYC is funny, but real estate in L.A. is not.

Sofia Vergara has been added to the cast of ABC's Hot Properties, which also includes Nicole Sullivan, in a workplace comedy also set in a NYC real estate office.

Charlotte Ross will join Ashley Scott in ABC's drama pilot Westside, a primetime soap set in a high end Los Angeles real estate office.

It must be true that the water tower on the Warner Bros. lot is filled with Jack Daniels instead of water and television execs climb up there for "inspiration".

"Are you there God? It's me, Daniel. Please get me off this show."

NBC's Book of Daniel which already stars Aidan Quinn, has also cast Dylan Baker as the senior warden in the church where Quinn is the minister who speaks directly to God.

God help them.

There is absolutely nothing I can say about this.

777 Entertainment Group is currently pitching a new animated project, The Roaches, to cable nets. Created by Marcello Robinson and Deborah Young, the project is about a family of Roaches evicted from their Beverly Hills mansion and who relocate to a Chicago housing project. Several hip hop artists have reportedly been signed to participate in the project including Bone Thugs N Harmony, Jada Kiss, Juvenile, Lil Wayne, Mama Stokes, Mannie Fresh and the Ying Yang Twins.

I do like the Ying Yang Twins.

enough with the oscars

And the Oscars went to:
Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby
Best Director: Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby
Best Actor: Jamie Foxx - Ray
Best Actress: Hilary Swank - Million Dollar Baby
Best Supporting Actor: Morgan Freeman - Million Dollar Baby
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchette - The Aviator
I'm bored already. Just get the full list of winners here.

Now this is just my opinion, but:

Best Sideshow Bob Impersonation: Adam Duritz
Best k.d. Lang Impersonation: Mike Meyers
Best Big Bird Impersonation: Cate Blanchett
Frizziest Hair: Scarlett Johansson
Three-Way Tie for Best Dressed Woman: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Catalina Sandino Moreno
Favorite Moment: Jorge Drexler genuflecting to Prince

Best Oscars and Oscars Party Coverage:
The Manolo and the Awards of the Academy.
Patrick Whitesell/Rick Yorn's Endeavor Agency Post-Oscar Debauchery
The CAA Pre-Oscar Salad-Tossing Extravaganza

phone envy

I want, I want, I want.

funniest/scariest michael jackson picture ever

"Come here little boy. I wanna give you some candy. And then I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!"

(Thanks to PageSixSixSix for picture and caption.)

did he just see constantine?

I hear that Rachel Weisz is so bad in Constantine that she makes Keanu look like a freakin' genius by comparison. Whoa, that's bad.
(Thanks to Defamer)

timberlake to induct the o'jays

Justin Timberlake will induct the classic R&B vocal group the O'Jays into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on March 14, 2005 at the Waldorf-Astoria in NYC. Does anything there sound odd to you? No? Other participants include: Springsteen will induct U2 (that makes sense); B.B. King and Eric Clapton will honor legendary blues guitarist Buddy Guy (I'm with you on that); Neil Young will induct the Pretenders (so far, so good); and Rod Stewart inducting for "When a Man Loves a Woman" singer Percy Sledge. So my question is, who do I have to blow to induct someone?

that's an impressive business card

The things I will do to get a decent gig...

JOB OPENING: new VICE PRESIDENT, CMT Dukes of Hazzard Institute.* Get paid $100,000 for one year to watch television. Job responsibilities include: watch The Dukes of Hazzard weeknight on CMT; know the words to The Dukes of Hazzard theme song, Good Ol' Boys; write The Dukes of Hazzard Institute online blog for cmt.com; serve as expert on all things The Dukes of Hazzard; maybe take The General Lee for a spin now and then. For Job Application, visit: CMTDukesInstitute.com. *The position requires the execution of a one-year, $100,000 Independent Contractor agreement with GREAT! (3/1)

new crop of television shows

If television is the opiate of the masses, then shoot me up!

Let's get all the Arquettes on television - yes, even Alexis. ABC has added two more to its cast of What About Brian? - Barry Watson and Rosanna Arquette. Watson will play the title character Brian, a 30-something guy and the only one left single in his circle of friends. Arquette will play his older sister. Other cast members to date include Rick Gomez, Raoul Bova, Amanda Detmer.

CBS cast Jennifer Love Hewitt in the untitled drama pilot based on the work of psychic James Van Praagh. Hewitt plays a psychic. I predict this one won't last long.

Further evidence that CBS should put down the pipe, the net has cast former Dawson's Creek star James Van Der Beek in its comedy(!) pilot Three, about a newlywed couple (Van Der Beek is the husband), and their friend who just went through a divorce. Yeah, because that's funny stuff.

Are you missing Friends? ABC has a pilot project titled Introducing Lennie Rose (rethink that title please) and cast Aya Sumika as one of the friends in this ensemble show about a group of 20-somethings living in NYC. Does anyone remember Coupling?

NBC has added to its comedy project pilot My Name is Earl with the casting of Ethan Suplee, Nadine Velazquez and Eddie Steeples. My Name is Earl is about a guy who wins big at lotto, and vows to turn his life around and make amends to all he has mistreated. I dig Ethan Suplee but this just sounds awful.

UPN has cast Denise Richards in its dramedy pilot Wildlife, an ensemble comedy/drama about a group of friends living in a hot Hollywood neighborhood. The pilot will be directed by David Straiton. Much like the hispanic soap operas, I will be watching this one with the sound off.

top 10 useless limbs (and other vestigial organs)

The title is a little misleading. It lists the top ten useless limbs (and other vestigial organs) in all living creatures on our planet, not just in humans. Number one is no surprise. Somewhere on that list should be my date from this past Saturday. Actually, he could probably fill three slots. Maybe I should rephrase that.

penis models wanted

While my search continues (sigh), Richard Hansen, a friend of BoingBoing.net is also "seeking volunteers for his latest project":

Seeking men of all sizes, shapes and colors to model their penis for an upcoming art photography book project. This creative project seeks to show what men really look like down there--how we're so very different, yet somewhat the same. This is a documentary-style book project and not porn related whatsoever. The images will ONLY show your pelvic region - no faces revealed. We want to represent the widest array of men possible.

We will be shooting March 6-10 in San Francisco in a private studio. All models will be shot one at a time, with total privacy and discretion.

All models must be at least 18 years of age.

Compensation: All published models will receive a copy of the book.

Please call to schedule your time slot: 415-378-4936

Maybe I should just issue a call for volunteers for my personal project. And I promise not to write about it in my blog.

beasts of satan looking for new lead singer

Those wacky Italians... hey, maybe we can get that lame poser wannabe rockstar who chauffeured us around a while back to audition.

Or if you really want to kill your career, why don't you send your demo tape to a reviewer who doesn't have a music background (unless you count going to a lot of shows and scouring the bins at Amoeba as street cred) to review. They really really want to listen to your music. Just because you have a forum doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're talking about and well-meaning music fans don't always make the best critics.

free gas in the valley

Just in case any of you will be in the Valley from 7am to 9am tomorrow, you might want to swing by the Mobil gas station at the corner of Sherman Way and Sepulveda - they're giving away free gas. That's right, a publicity stunt where you play video games while playstation fills your gas tank and washes your windows. Here's the press release:

PlayStation(R)2 Celebrates the Launch of the Highly Anticipated Gran Turismo 4 by Giving Out Free Gas to Consumers

*NOTE: NEW EVENT LOCATION*

Los Angeles Drivers Will Be Treated To Free Gas In Honor of the Launch of Gran Turismo 4 - The Latest Installment of the Top-Selling Racing Simulator Franchise Exclusively for PlayStation 2

Tuesday, February 22 - 7:00 AM - 9:00 AM
NEW EVENT LOCATION - MOBIL Gas station
15303 Sherman Way
Van Nuys, CA

WHO: Fortunate Los Angeles drivers, gaming and automotive enthusiasts and Gran Turismo(TM)4 for PlayStation(R)2.

WHAT: Sony Computer Entertainment America, publisher of the best-selling Gran Turismo racing franchise for PlayStation 2, will celebrate the release of the gaming industry's most highly anticipated title and honor automotive excellence and car culture by offering free gas to consumers. A Gran Turismo Pit Crew will welcome consumers to the special event, filling gas tanks and giving drivers and GT4 fans a
chance to play one of the most anticipated titles in videogame history.

VISUALS:
-- Hundreds of cars lined-up waiting for free gas
-- Consumers playing Gran Turismo 4 on racing kiosks
-- The GT4 Pit Crew filling tanks, washing windows

WHEN: Tuesday, February 22
7:00 AM - 9:00 AM

WHERE: MOBIL Gas station - NEW EVENT LOCATION
15303 Sherman Way
Van Nuys, CA
At the corner of Sherman Way & Sepulveda

CONTACT:
Tim Cummins (310) 854-4800 or tcummins@bncpr.com
Ryan Bowling (650) 655-3657 or
ryan_bowling@playstation.sony.com

ONSITE:
Tim Cummins (408) 712-5463
Todd Dufour (310) 892-0156

n.y. fashion week's first pet show

It's official, I've lost my mind because I think I dig this. Flagg would have never let me put any of these clothes on him.

i love a rainy night

It's been raining non-stop. I was bored and nothing was on television, then it hit me, the perfect DVD to watch during this rainstorm - Jacques Demy's Les Parapluies de Cherbourg (The Umbrellas of Cherbourg). If you've never seen this movie, rent it while the rain still falls. It's so beautifully shot, all the dialogue is sung and Catherine Deneuve is sooo beautiful. But what should I watch tonight?

you don't know me

Post-coitus and searching for something to say that wouldn't incite conversations regarding his performance, I stumbled. I was thinking,"Get dressed and go home", but instead I told him that our mutual friend had asked me to tell him hello for her. He was feeling pretty good about himself, I guess, or is so insecure that he requires constant validation, so he asked if I told our friend that he was good in bed. A beat, then I quietly replied, "No." And when I say no, I mean, "No, why would I tell her that when you are only good for once a night and even that, I'm realizing, is woefully inadequate?" But I said no without explanation and I hoped he wouldn't ask any more questions and just get dressed and leave so I could masturbate. I don't get enough credit for my remarkable restraint.

Hoping in vain that it would suffice, instead I simply said, "No." He looked to me for elucidation, so I continued, "I don't discuss details of my sex life with her." I write about it on my blog so that total strangers, casual acquaintances and my dear friends can read sad stories about my interactions with social retards, cads, Lotharios and lamefucks.

He just left and I'm angry with myself. He thinks himself witty, urbane and suave. Not so much. I think he lacks nuance the way Hitler lacked compassion, but maybe it's just me. The last time he was over, he spilled red wine all over my sheets because he thought it would be sexy to lap it up out of an orifice or two. (Mine, not his.) I wouldn't have minded his spilling red wine on my 350-thread count Egyptian cotton duvet cover, had it been sexy. But it wasn't. It was awkward and clumsy and the antithesis of sexy. Tonight, he spilled champagne everywhere. Again, not sexy and yet again I showed remarkable restraint. I wanted to hit him upside the head with the champagne bottle, but I was afraid of spilling more champagne. If it had been an empty bottle, I would be calling Erin or Liz right about now to help move the body. But I was sure that I'd need every drop of champagne tonight, so he still walks the earth, blissfully ignorant of how close he came to his demise. I'm angry because I knew I wouldn't be sated, but there I was giving him yet another chance. Hope does spring eternal, but I think this particular well has gone dry.

I didn't always feel this way. Maybe he always came up short in bed, but for whatever reason, I either deluded myself or just let it go. Maybe I'm just bored. Six or seven years of dating someone or whatever the fuck it is we've been doing can do that. Or maybe there really is something about musicians. Am I guilty of forgiving so much of what he does (or doesn't do) offstage because of all that he is onstage? Maybe. Did I mention I don't like his music? Of his many albums, I really only like one song and that I attribute to the fact that it was a Burt Bacharach cover. I love Burt Bacharach.

Lamefuck's latest album has garnered him some of the best reviews of his career. The central theme of the album is basically, "You don't know me." I'm not normally a gambling kind of gal, but I bet he thinks he knows me.

road-testing google maps

Inspired by Jason Kottke and his Google Maps query for "miserable failure in Washington DC", I queried Google Maps for "pot dealers in Los Angeles, CA" and "hot guys in Los Angeles, CA". What did I do before the Internet again?

new species of coral found 40 miles from los angeles

A new species of black coral was recently identified 40 miles off the coast of Los Angeles. I wonder how much all the pollution from being so close to the largest urban area on the west coast factors into the formation of a new species. Why do I think of that movie where a comedian grows a third arm out of his back?

deviant art in a hangar in santa monica

The 2005 deviantART Summit happens on June 17 and 18 at the Barker Hangar in Santa Monica. So we have a little bit of time to clear the calendar. I'm not that familiar with the organization, but supposedly it's the largest art community in the world,with 1.1 million members worldwide, more than nine million pieces of art and one of the largest audiences on the world wide web. Who knew?

They have something like 30,000 new pieces of art uploaded every day to their site. The summit strives to be a real life replication of what happens at deviantART everyday, with galleries featuring many kinds of art -- from anime to literature, digital art to flash, photography to pixel art -- as well as seminars, panels and instructional sessions. Artists will get tips on how to break into the big time from speakers in the gaming, film, and publishing industries.

Tickets are $40 for two days, but according to the site, that price will increase until the day of the event. I couldn't find a schedule for that, but tickets at the door will be $125. I think I want to go, but of course I won't want to commit until right before and by then I don't think I'll be forking out $125. Hmmm...

celebrity sightings

I had two celebrity sightings today. Neither happened downtown, but in my travels today I found myself at the Starbucks on Beverwil and Pico. I rushed past a group of men in dark suits on the patio outside, placed my order and ran to the back for some sweet relief. Later, I stood there emptying packets of brown sugar into my soy latte, next to one of the dark-suited men. He seemed pretty full of himself, commandeering all the counter space he could, and gazing proudly at the scene outside on the patio. Then out he went to join them. That's when I spotted him, clean-shaven, but yes, it was Al Gore. He was the only one sans jacket, in a French blue button-down shirt. Probably in town for INdTV.

Oh yeah, my second celebrity sighting was Edward Norton on Rodeo Drive.

missing my dog

I've been watching the Westminster Kennel Club's 129th Annual Dog Show in Madison Square Garden. The competing Siberian Huskies are fine examples of the breed, and I've always thought that for me, it's a Husky or nothing. But there'll never be another Flagg and all other Huskies seem so... not special. But I still love dogs. So I'm considering other breeds. I"m digging the French Bulldog, I'm also liking the Tibetan Spaniel, or the Maltese. But mostly I'm missing Flagg.



Isn't he beautiful? I'm so glad that I took many pictures while he was still with me. I even had the picture above made into an Anya Hindmarch handbag. I've wanted to have the same glamour shot made into a Warhol-esque print, kind of like this. Maybe then in a few years it can sell for $590,400 at auction. (Thanks to puptastic for the news.)

cloaked in despair

Valentine's Day. I wore all black on Monday, but I was cloaked in despair just the same. Mainly I was hung over. I just don't recover as well as I used to, or maybe I really overdid it this time. It's not usually a good sign when I wake up still dressed in the same outfit that I wore to go out the night before or the same makeup, only smeared in some places, partially rubbed off in others.

One of the younger security guards in my building asked me last week what I was doing for Valentine's Day, and if I had a Valentine. I keep forgetting how young kids are and he was shocked that I wasn't turning cartwheels over Valentine's Day. Oops, was I too jaded and cynical just then? "So what if you don't have a Valentine's," he said, "you have all weekend to find one." Yeah. I am so glad I was never that young.

Sunday night I went out with two girlfriends (one very dear), a tag-along acquaintance (sad, loud, brassy, deeply insecure hausfrau from OC) and My Drug Buddy, all chauffeured by a lame poser wannabe rockstar, who dressed like the bastard child of Michael Jackson circa 1988 and that guy from A Flock of Seagulls, on Mr. Potatohead's body. So not sexy, yet he begged to differ. Thank Buddha for My Drug Buddy.

We went to a birthday party at Rage in West Hollywood. My Drug Buddy and I blazed while everyone got all diva. My girlfriends had been looking forward to this night in a long time and had the hair, makeup and clothing to show for it. I threw on heavy eye makeup, wore some tight jeans circa 1976 and a full-length leather coat with fur trim, channeled Diane Von Furstenberg and brought the girls out for a night on the town. I don't usually do that anymore. I'm still reeling from the after-effects of the last time I brought them out for show and tell, my 20th high school reunion. I'm still getting harassing phone calls from jealous wives and girlfriends. But out they came. It was time.

After several bottles of champagne and a packed pipe, we decided that none of us were in any sort of condition to drive, so the sad hausfrau called the lame wannabe rockstar to chauffeur us around. At one point during the evening, he told me I received "four stars on the cleavage." Gee, I can't tell you how much that means to me coming from a fire hydrant with hands. Thank God My Drug Buddy brought Vicodin. Half a 750mg pill and a shot of Ketel One later, it was better. Then these lame straight people from the OC suburbs came in. I thought we went to Rage for a reason, then it starts to look like that place on top of the hill at CityWalk, the Saddle Ranch. Thank Allah My Drug Buddy had a joint and the place had a patio. A few minutes later, she was making out with a go-go dancer and groping my cleavage. I don't remember the rest of the evening, not that the earlier part was that memorable. I was bored and wished I were home in bed.

I woke up after three hours of sleep and felt like someone had stuck a cotton sock in my mouth while I slept. I went to bed early Monday night, attempting to recover from my night of excess. Excess alcohol, drugs, and boredom. I should have gone ahead with my performance art piece in the Valentine's display aisle of Rite Aid instead.

what do the flotation devices look like?

I got an email from Orbitz, something about low airfares. So I poked around their site to see how much scratch I need to fly to NYC and finally meet Fred (more on Fred later). I'll probably try JetBlue, I've heard nothing but raves. But it just doesn't make sense that HootersAir doesn't fly out of Los Angeles. Maybe too much confusion on which ones are the passengers and which ones are the stewardesses? I shit you not, all fares start at $69.00. Reservations are available online or made by calling 1-888-FLY HOOT.

me so horny

After watching Bang!Bang!Bang!, a charming little video emailed to me from my friend Alyssa, and this Defamer-endorsed Lindsey Lohan-inspired music video, I realized I don't remember the last time I had sex. Sadder still that my last few dates don't hold much promise of changing that disturbing revelation.

My astrologer and numerologist told me I just have to hang in there until March, then everything changes. March seems so far away. So far 2005 has been sucking balls.

so glad i'm childless - IYKWIMAITYD

Gawker commented on the MSNBC story on how parents can't decipher kids' online lingo. MSNBC posted a guide to netlingo, but Gawker's additions were priceless:

The best part is the acronym guide for parents: “Know the Lingo.” It’s all here, from A/S/L (age/sex/location) to QT (cutie). But what about these:
· TMASMF (Touching my anus, smelling my finger)
· WFAPISIIAM (Wanna fuck a pie? I saw it in a movie)
· SIMP (Squirrel in my pants)
· LMNT (Lick my night table)
· WHSWJD (Which Hilton Sister Would Jesus Do?)
· IVRWIAL (I’ll vote Republican when I am legal)
· ILCBDWTGF (I like cupcakes but don’t want to get fat)
· LOL (Love oral lots)

(BTW, IYKWIMAITYD = If you know what I mean and I think you do)

I'd like to add some that I could use, given my recent dating and job situations:

FYBAAMOA (find your balls and ask me out already)
IDW2FUAM (I don't want to fuck you anymore)
YUDNTTV (yes, you do need to take Viagra)
ILOMRA (I'm late on my rent again)
IL2BICIB (I'd love to but I can't, I'm broke)
IWGPUTFAHT (I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today)

freelance writing gig & barney's warehouse sale

Such a relief, I scored a freelance writing gig. A friend hooked me up with this company, Shopper Shuttle, that needed someone to write their press releases, ad copy, website verbage, the whole shebang. They have a cool service that shuttles tourists, business travelers, international stewardesses, and Angelenos (who don't like to drive) to different shopping destinations. They have a shuttle that picks up from downtown Los Angeles at Union Station and takes them to the Barney's Warehous Sale, which starts this on Thursday. Woo hoo! I wrote about it in my downtown blog, check it out.

the new phone sex

Just in time for Valentine's Day - a mobile phone controlled vibrator. The powerful single-speed bullet can get you off by hand or (wait for it...) by the signal from a mobile phone, bringing a whole new meaning to phone sex. When you receive a text message on your mobile phone, the VibraExciter will start to vibrate giving you 20 seconds of erotic stimulation. When you receive a phone call, your VibraExciter will vibrate for as long as the phone call lasts. It will continue to excite for 20 seconds after the call has ended or when the cancel button is pushed. "Stay on the line, I'll be right with you!" VibraExciter operates within a 0.75m range of your mobile phone... actually, any mobile phone, so be careful on the westside!

classy movie

If you don't think Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is the best movie ever, I will fight you

it can always be worse

I lost my job today. I've been so down in the dumps lately that everyone I talked to today expected me to just lose it completely. But I actually felt relieved, like a huge weight had been lifted from my broke-ass shoulders. Then I read The Wisdom of Warren Buffett. Be grateful.