girl talk at jumbo's clown room

I was at Jumbo's Clown Room this weekend with my friend Samira and her nontourage. I hadn't been there in such a long time. The last time I set foot in the place was in May, 2001. My friend David's book release party for Etiquette for Outlaws was at Jumbo's and near as I can remember, I had fun.

This cheap rat bastard sat next to my friend Marcie. He would throw one dollar down in front of a girl and say things like, "You really earned that dollar, honey!" The lineup that night consisted of girls that I wasn't all that into, so I spent a good portion of the evening watching the clientele watching the girls. I've never been to a strip club with other women, I've always been with men, either my boss or a date. So I've never had to deal with guys at a strip club jocking me or coming on to me before. Marcie was tapped out, so she gave up her seat and headed for the bar to join our other friend Betty. This guy sat down next to me. He wasn't hot, but I also grade on personality, sense of humor, confidence, etc, not just the physical. While he was attentive to the girls dancing, he kept checking me out when he thought I wasn't looking. Whenever I turned around to face his general direction (part of our group was sitting at the bar directly behind him), he'd turn and look at me. I held his gaze, yet he did and said nothing. I could feel his nerve slipping away. Buddy, we're in a strip club. You can leer openly at a half-naked girl but you can't say hi to someone sitting right beside you? I'll give a regular joe, even one with no hair and a beer gut a chance, but no guts - that's a dealbreaker.

Samira and I remained seated in front, watching the girls, comparing levels of arousal and caught up with each other's lives.

Me: Um, do we like her?
Samira : Yes, she is so Courtney Love.
Me: I'm not digging her so much. I think it's her hair.
Samira : She's kinda nasty looking. I like it.
Me: Have you seen recent pictures of Courtney?
Samira : Yeah, she's a mess.
Me: She looks like she ate someone.
Samira : So where were you?
Me: What do you mean? I was at home.
Samira : What took you so long? I was starting to get worried.
Me: You thought I was going to flake?
Samira : Well, yeah.
Me: How's Dieter? (her husband)
Samira : He's good. He asked how you were.
Me: Is he worried about me too?
Samira : You know Dieter loves you too. You know why he loves you, right?
Me: Because I'm Asian? Because I love him long time? Because I won't do oxycontin with you? Because I cock block for you? Because my hands are so small they make men's dicks look huge in comparison?
Samira : (giggling) Yes. All of the above.

(new girl hits the stage)

Me: I think we get our shoes at the same place.
Samira : I need to get a pair like those, only in hot pink.
Me: I know where to get those.
Samira : Oh yeah, I think I'm going to dance around the house just like that. Wow, that was impressive.
Me: I can do that move.
Samira : Really?
Me: That is in my repertoire.
Samira : We need to go shoe-shopping, I need those shoes.
Me: You don't need the shoes to bust that move.
Samira : No, I need it to go with my outfit I'm wearing to JoJo's party.
Me: No one will be looking at your shoes, not with your tits.
Samira : (Giggles) Yeah.
Me: Those are hot though. What size shoe are you?

(new girl hits the stage)

Samira : Do we like her?
Me: I like her boots.
Samira : Boots? I like her ass.
Me: I didn't say that was the only thing I like.
Samira : She's hot.
Me: That's it, I'm getting bangs.
Samira : (laughing) Bangs would look hot on you.
Me: So would that ass. Yeah, she's getting my money.
Samira : Your hair would look cute like that.

(JJ hits the stage)

Samira : Woo hoo! Isn't she adorable? I love JJ.
Me: Are you kidding me? She's like 50.
Samira : No, she's up there, but she's not 50.
Me: She reminds me of Clavell.
Samira : (loses it because Clavell is 65 and is one of those dragon ladies who work at the makeup counter) Ohmygod, how can you say that?
Me: Okay, she's like Pia Zadora meets Clavell. Nice rack, though.
Samira : I wonder how much plastic surgery she's had.
Me: More than you.

i wish i were more of a techie

If I were more of a techie, then I could follow the directions on how to modify my vibrator so that it's hooked up to my computer. But I want to modify a vibrator from Divine Interventions, rather than my current, run-of-the-mill vibrator. I can't decide between the Jackhammer Jesus vibrator ("Jesus was a carpenter, now he's the power tool...") or Buddha's Delight ("om, om, om, omigod!"). I should be immune to this, but I want them all!

colossal pile of cow shit burns for three months

Say what you will about Los Angeles, but at least our big piles of shit don't spontaneously combust and burn for three months. The big piles of shit we have are usually gone after a disappointing opening weekend. Usually.

In Nebraska, where big piles of manure are commonplace, a 2,000 pound pile of cow manure has been burning for the past three months. They can't just dump water on it because the runoff will pollute any nearby water source. So until they figure out a way to extinguish it, the shit is still burning. But of more concern to me (as I live in Los Angeles and not Nebraska) - what can we do about Tara Reid?

cell phone for your dog

I will admit to being ridiculous from time to time. I used to buy beef-flavored water for my dog, he slept on a leopard-skin bed, and I made sure he had ice cubes in his water dish (Siberian Huskies can get warm in Los Angeles). But you have to draw the line somewhere, and I think this is the place.

good parenting

I want an advance copy of this book, It's Just A Plant: A Children's Story of Marijuana. After checking out a sample chapter on their web site, I kind of wish I had kids so I could read this book to them. Now that's good parenting. On the other hand, we have the pot-smoking granny who was arrested for smoking pot while driving her car with her two grandchildren in the backseat. And you thought that only the guys in Entourage smoked while driving around Los Angeles.

poetry soup

Last night, I went to a poetry reading on the westside, which is so out of character for me. I was afraid that it would be a night full of pretentious, self-indulgent crap. But it wasn't, for the most part.

The evening consisted of poetry readings and soup, hence the name. The house was warm, beautiful and inviting, filled with interesting photography and artwork and lots of books. I didn't know anybody there except for the two friends who invited me. They had never been to a poetry reading before so they had no idea what to expect and didn't have anything to compare it to. We had dinner beforehand, which was a good thing because the soup selection was limited to brown or green soup.

The crowd was friendly, and the copious amounts of alcohol consumed helped that along tremendously. Most of those reading belonged to online poetry groups and were familiar with each other's poetry. There was this one guy who was Joe Pesci-esque and I was more amused by his resemblance to the man than by his poetry. One woman who read frequently was a riot - she had a very distinct lisp and her poetry didn't take that into account. But she read from a Hello Kitty binder that was bursting at the seams with paper. There was a baby grand piano and a guy nicknamed Frankie Fingers got up, to much fanfare, to tickle the ivories. I kept looking around the room while he played - didn't anybody else hear him hit the wrong keys with increasing regularity? Was he drunk? Was everyone drunk but me? He was jocking me most of the night and during the intermission, he finally gave it a shot. Jokingly, I asked if he took requests. Frankie took himself so seriously, going on as to why he didn't, that he was also a poet, blah blah blah. I cut him off, suggesting that he ask for requests, but go on to play whatever he damn well pleased, making sure that he played the first few notes of the request first. I guess he didn't get my humor because he didn't even look my way the rest of the evening.

Through most of the night, some guys would approach, try to chat me up and one asked for my number. I was about to oblige when I saw his teeth. Was that green I saw? I wasn't sure, but I let out an involuntary shudder. It must happen to him a lot because that didn't seem to faze him and he soldiered on. I focused my attention on the woman who was up reading. She was reading an article from the NY Times. What is the definition of poetry again? Green teeth guy kept going and now he was trying to touch me. If I didn't want this to continue the rest of the evening, I would have to do something drastic. So I asked the hostess if I could read. And so I did:

This is called, "Text Messages from My Astrologer on New Year's Eve".

Raucous laughter breaks out all over the room. As I looked around the room, I noticed the guys who had been jocking me, hitting on me, or held on to my hand a little too long when introduced sitting up or adjusting themselves in their seats. My claque in the back went wild, cheering loudly.

I am testing your phone's txting capabilities. I hope u are doing well. Happy new years!! love your friendly astrologer, vik
12/31/04 12:15AM

do u know where 2 get pot in jersey? :-) love your friendly astrologer, vik
12/31/04 4:16pm

I text him back: 914-***-8190

At which point several in the crowd ask me to read that number back again. One woman who was kinda nasty to me earlier said in a loud stage whisper, "914 isn't Jersey, is it?"

I continued:

I've been txting that #, no reply. Is that Leon? love your friendly astrologer, vik.
12/31/04 4:30pm

I text him back: that's my ex sugar daddy in connecticut. i was kidding. like i know dealers in jersey? you're a funny guy vik.

i'm a funny everything. guess what, i found pot. dude no joke, i'm so blazed. i'll forward u what i've been txting him. btw, do u ever do oxycontin? love your friendly astrologer, vik.
12/31/04 4:45pm

hey, how r u doin? my name is vik, do u want to b frenz?
12/31/04 4:55pm

that was the message i sent him. maybe he'll txt me back and offer to be my daddy. were u being sarcastic or r u really amused? btw, do you ever do oxycontin? love your friendly astrologer, vik.
12/31/04 5:03pm

i'm high again. here's a list of things i did while high: made a sofa bed. love your fried astrologer, vik.
12/31/04 7:22pm

so 4 my 1st time 2 nyc 4 ny's eve i'm getting on the train right now and its raining. i don't know anything about the subways and i'm f*$#ed up and totally alone. i hope its not boring. vik
12/31/04 8:03pm

u know u want 2 rite me back coz i want my phone's txt message sound to go off i'm w/my relatives & need to look cool. vik
12/31/04 8:22pm

A PAYMENT IN THE AMOUNT OF $65.15 HAS BEEN MADE TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
CUSTOMER CARE - AT&T WIRELESS

THERE IS LESS THAN $7 IN YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE REMIT PAYMENT IMMEDIATELY TO CONTINUE SERVICE.
CUSTOMER CARE - AT&T WIRELESS

Thank you, tip your waitress!

It is important to note that "love your friendly astrologer, vik" is not necessarily read as a sign-off but rather, a command.

Afterwards, some of the other "poets" who read that night as well as the guys who had been hitting on me weren't as friendly. This just goes to prove what I have always believed, humor in a man is an attractant. In a woman, it is a repellant. I don't think I'll be invited back.

johnny carson dies at 79

When asked what he wanted on his tombstone, he replied, "I'll be right back."

Johnny, you are missed.


photo by Douglas C. Pizac/Associated Press

my energy flows from my what?

I took this online Chakra test. So if my third eye is in the middle of my forehead, what number is my asshole? Because i think that's blocked. Time for a visit to Water's Gift?

I love their choice of words. And haven't we all wondered how our chakras are "handling the passage of energy"?

The Chakra Test
Understanding the Energy Centers of Your Body
Celia, your most positive energy is flowing from your Sixth Chakra

This chakra is located in the center of your forehead and is often called the third eye. The sixth chakra represents your ability to see and really know truth. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your sixth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to be accepting of the people and events in your life rather than pass judgment on them. You're also likely to have developed a higher level of intuition than most people have.

Whether they're allowing positive energy to flow or preventing it from doing so, all seven of your body's chakras contribute to how you are feeling on a day-to-day basis. When they're balanced, you feel energized and at the top of your game. When they're unbalanced, you may feel tired or 'off'.

While we have focused on identifying the one chakra that allows your positive energy to flow most freely, we have also discovered the ways your other six chakras are handling the passage of energy.

17 pounds of baby

Note to self: go to Costco and get the economy-sized box of condoms and have doctor check for diabetes.



full story:

MSNBC News Services
Updated: 1:07 p.m. ET Jan. 20, 2005
A woman in Brazil gave birth Wednesday to a boy that doctors have nicknamed "giant baby." The infant weighs 17 pounds, about the average size of a six-month-old. He was delivered by Caesarean section.

The boy's 38-year-old mother is diabetic, a condition which can commonly cause women to give birth to larger babies. The boy, named Ademilton dos Santos, is receiving oxygen due to breathing problems and is being given an intravenous glucose solution to maintain a safe blood sugar level.

The director of the hospital in Cajazeiras, an area in north eastern Brazil, said the boy is otherwise in good health. Doctors say the mother Francisca Ramos dos Santos is feeling well after her surgery.

The boy's father and four sibilings were reportedly surprised at the news.

He is the heaviest baby ever born in Brazil, according to Brazilian medical officials.

i'm there now

Imagine my surprise, I've been judged and banished to the seventh level of hell. Seven? I demand a recount! I belong on eight! Do you know who I am?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

dating in this town sucks

L.A. Insight's topic for the past week is dating in Los Angeles. I posted a reply on my other blog, 5th and spring. They have eight questions and since I have so much to say on the subject, here's the first entry in my sad eight-part tale. Bring tissues.

infinite hasselhoff

I decided to not go to work today. I'm listening to a Bill Hicks CD, watching the horrific spectacle that is the inauguration of THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER, and reading anything that will make me feel better. I don't have any weed or alcohol or junk food or new porn, so I only have words, words, more words, and music to do the job. Oh, and infinite Hasselhoff. Someone help me.

this is not the potato head you are looking for...

Hasbro, Inc.'s Playskool division is launching a new Mr. Potato Head figure, Darth Tater.



It isn't available until February. What will I do until then?

cocktails over drugs

I am unable to spend more than five consecutive days in New Orleans. I once spent five days there. Not for Mardi Gras, JazzFest, or anything like that. I did attend a Vic Damone concert and hung out with Stevie Wonder's band, but that's another story. I ate and drank my way through that city and by day five I had enough.

On December 1, 2004, The Museum of the American Cocktail opened for business. And as if that weren't enough, in January 2005, the museum moves to its temporary home, on the second floor of the New Orleans Pharmacy Museum. Now that's synergy.

It's been almost a year now since I had my last Vitamin V (Vicodin washed down with vodka - I never like crushing the Vicodin and mixing it into vodka, though I did crunch the Vicodin up in my mouth before washing it down with Ketel One). Okay, maybe a few months, but it feels like a year. I still remain a fan of the concoction (I loved that warm, fuzzy, post-sex buzz that you get from Vitamin V, sort of like the buzz you get while drunk and on medical, but better because you can do it in public - unless you're on the rooftop of the downtown Standard, in which case, anything goes), but I just stopped doing Vitamin V about the time my new roommate went bobbing for V in my cleavage one night. Yeah, that's another story for later, too. I wonder if the museum will have an exhibit that incorporates the offerings of their neighbor downstairs?

new year's resolution generator

I realize I'm a little late with resolutions. But I'm late for everything.

we need more light

New Year's Eve 2004, Paris Las Vegas



By looking up at the fireworks (which was mediocre at best), I was able to ignore the guy who kept hitting on me (who was also mediocre at best). He had the worst rap ever! I was trying to be kind because no one wants to be shut down soundly in front of their friends on New Year's Eve, but he was so bad at it. So I kept looking at the fireworks, oohing and aahing without any trace of sarcasm. I didn't think there'd be anyone I'd want to kiss at midnight, but he was ridiculous. At least I didn't have to deal with the hobbit who was jocking Sandra. He just kept staring at Sandra, trying to work up the nerve to throw a lame line at her. Like the ones the mediocre guy threw at me. After an hour of lame lines, he still didn't get it. I told him he'd have more luck with someone in a halter top with a bad perm rather than me. That would cause you or most reasonable people to sound retreat, right? No, not this diehard. His last and most desperate plea was something like, "Is there any chance of you coming home with me tonight?" Heart, be still.

Here's a picture of Giselle, Sandra (in front), me, and Nick in front of New York, New York. Guess who was drunk. Winner gets a date with me. Runner-up gets two dates with me.




This is us earlier in the evening in the lobby of the MGM Grand. That's Nick, Sandra in front with her back to us, Camille partially hidden behind her, and me. I don't remember taking this picture or what I was thinking when I got dressed that night.

"when i cry, all i get is wet..."

The radio stations are all playing "rain" songs. So literal, so unimaginative.

I took a walk in the rain today. It was really coming down hard and yet there was quite a bit of pedestrian traffic. I'm still feeling this horrible cold, but I figured I'd be okay if I dressed as if I were at Sundance and carried a huge umbrella.

It looked like I was the only one carrying a black umbrella. Everyone else had these wonderful multi-colored things- striped ones, floral designs, and another with clouds against a blue sky. I need to get a new umbrella, this shoe umbrella from the Metropolitan Museum of Art Store certainly addresses one of my favorite obsessions. Speaking of my favorite obsessions, have you checked out Manolo's Shoe Blog? Hilarious.

Back to umbrellas - I've always thought Van Gogh's Starry Night would look great on an umbrella.

How ridiculous would I be if I got one of these umbrellas with a matching dog umbrella? My friends are trying to talk me into getting a lap dog rather than another Siberian Husky. If I did the dog umbrella thing, I wouldn't blame my dog if he bit me.

On my way back home from my walk, I saw the only other black umbrella on the streets. This older woman was about to cross the street when a big gust of wind blew half of her umbrella inside out. The wind was so strong it tore the cloth from the spine of the umbrella. She took one look at the thing, yanked the cloth clean off and wrapped it around her head. As I passed by her, she gave me this triumphant look. The rain wasn't going to keep her down. Then five Hispanic men with huge cowboy hats turned the corner. I love my neighborhood.

different kind of red state

This is a map of the United States with all the states that I've been to highlighted in red:



create your own personalized map of the USA

I could have used this map about ten years ago to help me and one of my sorority sisters keep track of a bet. Trish was my drinking buddy in college and while I worked in the music industry. She made a great plus one. I think she had a hollow leg where all the beer went. Back then I used to hang out at the Gallery Bar at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles. They had a challenge pool table and I could be found there most nights, working on my "game". We met so many men from all over the country and, being incredibly competitive and consistently drunk, we made this bet. Whoever could "date" the most men from each state and/or country would owe the other a grand meal in Venice, Italy during Carnivale the next year. Each man from each state would count as one point and we had to go out with them twice for them to count. So if you were dating two men from Nevada, it would only count as one point. Double points were awarded for dating men from foreign countries. So this is my "man map":



create your own personalized map of the USA

We had a difficult time keeping track. As the men fell out of favor, we'd conveniently forget Kansas or whatever. I managed to remember that there was a purpose to this while she just kept dating guys from the same states she already accumulated points from. But she was a trooper and managed to keep up. We were pretty even for a while. Then I met a pilot from Australia, a musician from the UK, and two businessman - one from Switzerland, the other from France. She never made good on her bet. I wonder what she's doing now.

I haven't made a man map of the world (baby steps), but I would like my world map to have more red countries than my world man map. It is good to have goals.

welcome to 2005

I'm sick at home with a really bad cold. It's raining and thundering and I can't find the motivation to get out of the penthouse and take the 10-minute drive to the office. So this is 2005.

I was hoping that I'd be a lot more motivated. I've done all the prep work, made the lists, organized stuff, moved things around so that my pad is more conducive to getting my shit done. And I still can't get out of bed.

I'm ready to get back to my regular diet - I have plenty of soy milk and protein powder. Never mind that I've been slowly and methodically taking apart the pound plus bar of milk chocolate from Trader Joe's that I was going to give someone for Christmas. Or that I went to Jerry's Deli for dinner last night and ate everything that was set in front of me.

Is 2004 still haunting me?

2005 book list

I used to spend so much more time at home reading a good book. How did I manage to spend so much time drinking, drugging and acting like a big ol' slut? Not that I'm going to curtail that behavior in 2005, but I'd like to sprinkle a little knowledge in there somewhere. So for 2005, these are the books that I plan to read. You can read along if you'd like and I will be making reference to them in my posts. Here's the list so far:

The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory by Brian Greene
I read this once before and unfortunately, I didn't retain much. I was distracted, I think. Not that I'd be any less distracted now, but I'll give it another try, maybe something will take.

A Brief History of Time: The Updated and Expanded Tenth Anniversary Edition by Stephen Hawking
I really enjoyed The Universe in a Nutshell and am a big Stephen Hawking fan. After I finish this one, I think I'll tackle The Theory of Everything: The Origin and Fate of Everything. I wonder if Mr. Hawking has a fan club and t-shirts.

The Wisdom of Crowds: Why the Many Are Smarter Than the Few and How Collective Wisdom Shapes Business, Economies, Societies and Nations by James Surowiecki
I want to be convinced. I think a person is smart and people are stupid, so to read a book that says crowds and mob mentality don't always go hand in hand, that'll be refreshing. Especially after what I saw on New Year's Eve on the Vegas strip.

Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow
Who doesn't want to read about the the most important figure in American history who never became President? Besides, I hear this is the best Alexander Hamilton biography ever!

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction, Jon Stewart
If I don't laugh about what's going on politically, I would have to cry. Or lash out violently at some undeserving person who just happened to be in front of me when I lose it. So to read this book would be performing a community service of sorts.

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo
Not only do I need to read this book, I need to live it. Enough with the bullshit already.